Challenge the Space

 Despite what you have (bless you) read so far - I am actually a really funny person. Like not in a knock knock way, i cant remember punchlines, but in a seriously quick witted and, if I do say - genuinely humbling funny way.

I appreciate this is hard to tell from this thus far - but bear with _ I shall share some examples.

In a recent lecture - when I used my humour to apparently 'disarm' and 'display non threat' (!!) to the lecturer - I was met with his learned, and solid half smile response. As a therapist he couldn't indulge my defence mechanisms. He smacked me awake, with me realising what I thought was an honest genuine approach could be perceived as immature and unnecsarily vulnerable.

I shall tell you what I did and if you agree with my lecturer that you're surely both cunts, :)

I opened the session - and I was online, I had been told not to display personal information - but couldn't unhook my work teams from the courses I was on. So I started with my full name and company largely displayed across my head.

 He quietly welcomed me and left, what I now have learned is 'space' for people to squirm and think and join. I just squirmed, and deal with squirming and quiet by thinking and assuming everyone needs someone to fill that space - so please, allow me.

He said 'Hello Lucy;' so quietly I wanted to tell him he wasn't in a church. I weirdly copied his quiet by saying 'Hello You...' and then laughed - whilst half turning myself on mute. I said it by accident, then laughed at my mistake. Then realised my personal details were showing. So then I unmuted and said' there's always one who can't get it right!' and lightly pointed to my details. He nodded. I said whilst dramatically rolling my eyes-  'you'd think I hadn't been doing online courses for last 3 years, hey!' and he looked down at what I hoped was some notes but I suspect was his groin. I also surmised possibly, in dismay. 

The silence continued as others joined. Others had used letters, cleverly - so Q didn't turn his camera on - this was a teaching session, odd? S had her chin showing and the ceiling. Others were fine. Professional. Here to learn and take in what they could - and got it right. I sat with my work background pretending to try to change it, knowing I didn't know how.

The silence felt so solid and awkward (for me) I decided to do my bit so I said loudly 'Hello all of you!' and smiled my wallace and grommit grin (to disarm). People mouthed on mute 'hello'. S showed her carpet instead of her ceiling. Q flashed on his camera and looked like he was asleep with his head back against a sofa.

The Lecturer opened with an outline of the course - an overview of what we could learn, and asked for us to be present. Each question he asked slowly - painfully, like he had forgotten his next line. He asked us open questions -  no one answered - so I did. I did because he asked, and I wanted to be present. What were others doing?

After a few minutes, I felt an obvious realisation I was dominating the lesson. Why wasn't any one else talking? Engaging was what I had been taught to do to show understanding - query bits you didn't understand - ask when you wanted to know. 

Clearly others had read the pre-booklet. Session one was learning about 'space'. Quiet space allows others to fill it. If you fill it all the time, not only do you display your insecurity of feeling pressure to fill others, (which you carry but they don't request) but you also consume space others may fill with things you didn't know.

Wow. Just Wow.

You mean to tell me for 30 years the quiet people around me had things to say? Why didn't they say it? What space and timeframe did they need - or was the point, some things just don't need to be said? Quiet people can't profess to be quiet if they have things to say - but can't judge the timing in conversations right to say it. We can't all leave space or how do you talk excitedly pointedly and emphatically if we're all talking like Mr Soft.

Intensely amazed at this knowledge that my own sense of self was being challenged - I immediately began to display other insecurities.

I decided to challenge him.

'Sorry' I said - when so much space had been left I wondered if he was having a silent seizure. 'Sorry - but can I ask something?'

He nodded sagely - leaving me space to talk.

'I mean - i do get the space thing. as a therapist - as a tool. but do you not see it as a good thing. the small talk - the ability to disarm. I personally find space uncomfortable - and like Im not being heard...'

He smiled. He nodded. S showed us under her carpet. Q left the group.

'Its not a bad thing Lucy - to fill space. Its just acknowledging your need to do it. How you do it at home, with friends - is how you do it. It is your tool and has worked for all these years, so don't lose it. Learning why you use it, is what you will learn about. Learning to do it in therapy for your client is essential.'

I doubt now I will make a therapist. I am too judgmental and opinionated, and quite frankly, deranged and unsteady - but it does make you think - Space for some is hollow sound to another. I wont be a therapist because i need therapy to work through why i dont think i should be a therapist. and thats okay too.